NATERNET

Cyclogeddon: We’re All Assholes, Okay?

Bikers love to bitch about “asshole motorists.” 

Motorists love to complain that people on bikes are a nuisance. 

Neither of these groups seem to ever agree on who is the real asshole or who is the worst asshole or who is the bigger asshole. So let me lay it to rest once and for all-

We’re all assholes. 

That’s right. We’re all assholes.

Be honest, you don’t follow the letter of the law every time you get behind the wheel of/hop on the seat of the vehicle of your choice. You sometimes lose your temper and act in a rash manner. You get frustrated and impatient at other drivers, other riders, and other commuters in general. We all do it, so why not admit to some level of culpability and be done with it? No matter what your mother says, you’re not perfect, and it’s time to own up to that. 

I see an insane amount of motorists on cell phones during my commutes. An insane amount. Especially since it’s illegal to talk on your cell phone while driving your car in the state of Oregon. I’ve been cut off and nearly hit by people too busy talking to so-and-so on their cell phone to notice that there’s a fucking bike in the road. This makes me angry. These people are dangerous assholes. But…

I also have seen more than a handful of cyclists on cell phones. People riding their bikes in the city, in traffic, while holding a cell phone up to their ear. I’m on a >20lb vehicle surrounded by 2000+lb vehicles, so I’d need to have a death wish not to pay attention. That is what I assume these people talking on their cell phones have, a death wish. They’re also assholes, just the same as the folks in their cars on cell phones. They’re not paying attention to other commuters and that makes them a danger to themselves and those around them. 

The same goes for cyclists who don’t stop at stop lights and at least slow down at stop signs. The only reason we all get from one place to another without getting in an accident is because the other people going from one place to another act predictably. If we all follow the rules of the road and the laws governing transportation, we’re more than likely going to end up where we’re going without incident. But when people either decide that those laws and rules don’t apply to them or they neglect to pay attention to signs, etc. the chance that someone gets hurt en route to their destination grows. It’s not hard to understand why. None of us are mind-readers. I can’t tell if the person in front of me is turning right unless they indicate they are doing so and so on. 

The amount of cyclists and motorists that don’t signal their intention while commuting is very nearly equal in my experience. Hell, I’ve nearly been clipped by a cop car that didn’t signal a right turn. I’ve also seen cyclists swing out into traffic to make a left turn without signaling. Assholes, all of them. Signal where you intend to go, whether it means flipping a indicator in your car or putting your arm out on a bike. It makes you predictable and safe.

Lastly, be aware that you’re operating a vehicle. Driving a car is a relatively simple thing. Gas pedal makes it go, brake pedal makes it stop, wheel points it in the direction you want to go, shifter increases or decreases your speed or reverses your direction. When you break it down, it’s really not that hard. But it requires your attention.

If I see you putting your makeup on while zipping down the freeway at 60mph, I’m going to get the fuck away from you, because you don’t respect your own vehicle enough to be on the road, much less on the road around hundreds of other motorists. 

If I see someone texting or talking on their phone while driving, I’m going to try and get away from them, because they obviously don’t value their own life enough to pay attention, so they certainly don’t value my life. 

If I see a cyclist fiddling with their backpack with both hands while meandering back and forth through the bike lane, I’m going to get the fuck away from them, because they’re stupid, inconsiderate and dangerous.

Of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t include myself in my criticism of motorists and cyclists. While I haven’t received a ticket for anything more than not wearing my seatbelt in over a decade, I do have a temper behind the wheel. I’ll occasionally speed and tailgate other motorists. I call people driving other cars near-unprintable things in the privacy of my own vehicle. This is a learned trait, as some of my earliest memories of being in a car involve my father cussing out other motorists. Like father, like son, I guess. 

I’ll even be an asshole on my bike, from time to time. Just a few days ago, I tormented a “Lance Armstrong asshole” on the way home from work. A “Lance Armstrong asshole” is one of those guys who rides a fancy bike while wearing all skin-tight lycra adorned with symbols and logos, even though they’re not in the Tour de France. They’re abundant out here in Portland. Sure, most of them probably aren’t assholes in real life, but they certainly look the part and they occasionally act it, as well.

Anyway, I was riding down from the West Hills, a route that includes a lot of downhill interspersed with a few places where you have to climb. As I’m going down the first hill, this guy buzzes by me with only a foot or two of separation. Kind of a dick move, but whatever, if I’m going slower than he is, fine.

Once we hit an uphill section, he slows to a crawl. After riding behind him half of the way up, I pass him. I was going faster than he was, no big deal, right? After we crest the hill and start going downhill again, he zips by me, just as close as the first time. But we’d just started going downhill, so without even pedaling, I’m right behind him again in no time. So what does he do? He rises off his seat and starts pumping, while going downhill, to get away from me. I’m not racing, I’m riding home after a long day at work, so I just keep my pace. But as soon as we come to the next hill, he slows to a crawl again and I pass him again. 

At this point, I get pissed off. Passing me once is one thing, but passing me twice going downhill only to slow down on every uphill section is just stupid. As we come to the next and longest downhill section, he zips past me again, but this time I speed up and ride his ass, forcing him to pump to get away from me. Remember, he’s wearing aerodynamic spandex and I’m wearing a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and have a 25lb pannier bag on the back of my bike. Aerodynamics aren’t in my favor, but inertia certainly is, especially since I probably outweighed this guy by 20-30lbs.

So, the rest of my ride home, I trolled this guy, letting him jet away from me only to re-appear on his ass soon after. The fun part was, his route took him right by my house, so I got to be an asshole to this guy all the way home. I didn’t need to be, but after he pissed me off, I decided to be a pain in his ass the rest of the way.

I was a total asshole. (even if it was kinda fun)

Car, motorcycle, or bike, if you are operating a vehicle that, if used improperly and not given your full attention, is markedly more dangerous than it would be otherwise, pay attention. I know that we all like to think we’re Jason Bourne or Steve McQueen and can operate any vehicle with the greatest of skill and ease, but we’re not and we can’t. 

I guess the bottom line is- pay attention, don’t be an asshole, think a little and we’ll all get where we’re going safe and sound.